Split Personalities. ” Who Am I Inside?”

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I am in a place today, that I have never been before. Not in this way anyway…. I had a friend tell me something that cut so deep that I didn’t know it could feel that way. I have always believed that I was a good friend too people. Try to have an open ear, and that they could always come to me and talk about anything. I prayed that I would have the words to say, if my opinion or advice was requested. I believe I am a good person, great personality, beautiful, talented, and saved by Gods grace. One thing I didn’t anticipate was facing another side of me.  That side of me that I know is there, it comes out all the time, but I don’t want to admit it when it does.

Emotions. That one part of being a human that can be so complex and frustrating. We can feel one way now and then another way the next. For some, they aren’t really bothered by much and everything seems to just roll off their backs. They give a good shoulder “shrug” and its done.  And then there are some like me… where my emotions have become more than just a characteristic of being a human, to where it has become another part of my identity.  Its surreal when I look on the past… things I have said and done, completely out of emotions. My experience with men has brought this to the surface many times. And I have heard them, thought I did take it in and address it within myself to make the necessary changes, but some how… that other side still seems to come out.. when I least expect it.

This last appearance, I have not been in the presence of the Lord as I should, but even when I was the closest to him, I would still have moments where now I can admit I am over dramatic… I have pushed and drilled to try to get my way or someone to just agree with me, that I was right.  In those moments, I can say I didn’t see how detrimental I am being and how it affects my closest family and friends. I was told by a male companion, that although we were two different people, which attracted us to one another and not seeing eye to eye about things brought texture too us, one thing he could not deal with is a woman who is overly dramatic and emotional about any and everything.

I knew I was… I just couldn’t even recognize that I was doing it so much to the point that it was or would push someone away. I have always used the excuse of, ” this is who I am. Love me or leave me.”  And I believe that people should accept you for who you are, not try to change you and you shouldn’t try to change them. Reality is, we do pick whom or what we are willing to deal with. If we say that person drinks too much for me, then you make the decision not to be around them for that reason, not saying you don’t think that person is coo, just they aren’t someone you would want to be around all the time, or make a life with if it’s the opposite sex.  Some changes you do need to make…if you really want to have a successful fulfilling life.

I felt like a mirror was placed in my face and I had to face that dark side that I have really ignored. I know I have dealt with it in the past, and knew that I was doing better with not letting things get me so worked up to the point of anxiety attacks…just learning to breathe and let things go. From a history of abuse in my past, I use to hold so many things in… and all I knew to do was cry. I couldn’t tell what was happening to me because of the fear….so I would just keep it in and cry. Well, as an adult learning that balance was, had been hard for me. Now I can speak my mind, and shouldn’t have to be afraid any more of getting smacked in the mouth by my mother, or told I am just a child and need to know my place. I can say what I want when I want because I am grown. Right?

Right. Problem is, if someone wasn’t responding in the way I want them too, then I just wouldn’t react to well too that. I haven’t known how to let things go… its okay… if you have spoken your opinion and that’s it.  I have the choice just like everyone else whether or not to continue to deal with a situation.

I never want a person to feel like they can’t be open and honest with me because they feel like they are going to get a whip of my rage and fury. LOL…. not good. And I dare not want to lose out on a great man one day, because I can’t control my emotions, in the end… pushing him away. Now, I will say, I won’t feel like I have a muzzle on my mouth either…I just need to learn when, where, and what is the best what to express what I feel, then without always going over the top. My love for the theater is when this really comes into play… guess I need to get on that darn stage more again. :)

I did ask my sister, how did she feel about this, and again… I heard exactly what I didn’t want to hear….which then meant I was in a pool of tears once again. It’s hard to face the truth about your self… and realizing your rationalization for it, can no longer carry you along in life. As I went through my life, deciding to better myself with going back to school for a degree in what I love too do…starting my business that cosines with that, hitting the truth and losing 60 pounds with a better lifestyle…. I  have another area that I must strive to do better at… my heart.

I was told I take everything to heart. I do. I have. Some things you should… and now I truly understand, some things you shouldn’t. Me stressing over something that isn’t worth it… means I am bringing illness to my body and relationships. I must protect my heart… there are the issues of life… flowing.  If I guard it… I won’t be so moved and shaken when life happens or things don’t work out as I want them too.  Not only guard it, but give it back to the Lord…know where my help and strength comes from. Allow him to place it back in his secret place. I don’t want to become cold, just have a bit thicker skin.

This fella, may or may not be the one for me, but I can say,  there was a purpose for him and I meeting… and this is most definitely one of them. He’s has taught me a lot in the short time of dating… crazy thing is…other males in the pass I know have tried to address it, unfortunately at that place in time in my life I wasn’t able to hear or receive it. Their opinion was clouded by too much other stuff in our relationships.  Not having a my father there as a child to really teach me, show me love and attention meant that I have had a great lacking… seeking for that love and approval. Wanting that attention, having things my way, and if I didn’t get it I would fight, be dramatic to get my way. If none of that worked, I would cry. I just knew no man could resist a woman crying. I did things that a little girl does with her father, and because mines was not there, I looked to these men in my life to fill that void. I don’t even do this with my father and we have a great relationship currently… smh! Wow… amazing how things can truly come out in your adult hood due to events in your past.  Well,  this time. It didn’t work. And he was a man who wasn’t moved by all of that, yes it affected him, but in a way that he was not willing to deal with no matter what great of a woman he thought I was over all. He was brutally honest,  the truth was clear.

I am okay with accepting my flaws and know myself… and adjust my life accordingly. My past has affected who I am today, I can only make sure that it becomes in a positive way.   Accepting, there are some things I just can’t do, cause I know if I do… I will be an emotional roller coaster. And as I keep myself away from those things, I can work on just the daily moments, seeking God for healing and filling that void….one step at a time. Learn yourself, and know who you are…… the real you no matter what did the molding.

I pray for contentment, patience, and understanding. And when I get discouraged… just know that my life is not in vain and I shall reap a great harvest if I faint not.

Duchy!

Let’s Just See….

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Let’s just see what happens when I stop texting thee…

Alright let’s just be honest, the words that I speak don’t come from No Pocahontas …

They may not make sense, and if they are from the heart….they won’t be on a censored list…

I smirk at the thought and illusion that you pursue what you want…

Only if I am musically inclined then, maybe our words and lyrics can intertwine

Be tied by a beat, music lines is our retreat.

Let’s Just See how far we can go… the music should never stop… the beat continues to flow

Fear can control true love and destiny if you stop on the side line with distracts… what an epiphany.

You… I see… simple… yet a mind as complex as it can be.

Your questions keep me on my toes; your touch brings texture to my soul…

Unexpected connection boggles the mind… leaving questions of expectations

Will I be yours and you mine?

Let’s just see.

Patience is a virtue… you don’t rush perfection… wait… no one can be perfect right?

So why wait till you feel you have it all on a straight line.

I may now try something new…. Soar on a friendship that takes me high…

Continued to an island of great conversations of the mind…. Oh how I wouldn’t dare turn back the hands of time.

Let’s just see how you write this tale… from a perspective of someone yet still floating

Your mind thinks ritually, your lips speak swiftly…

It does seem unfair to meet you in times as these….

Shifting your life, unstable for the chase of the music notes on flight….

Funny thing is, I am not afraid to fly… and Christ as my savior… or die.

Let see if you run from something great, due to your own doubts

I will sit and wait… for the breaking point… that you say…I love you…

Known from the moment I met you.

Let’s just see… how far music and love can take thee.

Away from me?   Possibly.

The God, I know sees… what the end will be.

I’m willing to wait…. Well, Let’s Just See…

First 25 Years……

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….I write this, 4 hours before I become 26 years old. Time has flown by so fast that it amazes how much I have seen and done, but also what I haven’t yet seen or done. I am thankful for it all….

      My mother being a single mom was so hard, but the fruit of her labor is vivid as seeing all four of her daughter now grown, living successful lives. We all came up under the same household, but separate time frames of life with our mom. Needless to say, the root foundation was all the same and we all have given our lives to the Lord serving him in our individual callings.

      I have seen the season of hurt, sexual abuse as a child growing up trying to keep the understanding through life that it was and never will be my fault. I learned to adjust to a life without a believing father, meaning that he never really accepted me as his until I was older, however…I knew somewhere in his heart, he always knew I was.  At 14, he took me on my first date for Valentines Day. He said to me, how he treated me that day was the way I should be treated from any male friend that desires to date me. This is one of the many memories I have from my first 25, and I will never forget it or let it go.  I love him dearly with all my heart.

        At 16, I was surprised by my best friend, still to this day, with a sweet 16 birthday party at her mom’s house. I had never had someone show me so much love that wasn’t my blood sister. That day she became one in my heart and I love her dearly.  Thanks LaToya

Miami 2010

       High school was amazing! All four years I experience something new and different. From starting out as a freshman so zealous for what this new place had to offer me, hanging out after school just because to senior year crowned homecoming queen and stage role in our yearly musical ” Hello Dolly!” as Dolly. 

Musical Performed at School and I was the Lead...Dolly!

 
 
 
 

I smile every time I think about those days, days that are priceless and I will encourage my children to do the same.

     My health always seemed to have wanted to not do so well. Even when I was born, my mom said that she wasn’t able to bring me home with her cause I had a fever and they didn’t know why. I battled with acne and being overweight. Doctors even tried to say that I had an eating disorder, stress issues due to the sexual abuse, and that I should have been crazy for what I had experienced. Well, my God had the final say about that!! :)  Sinus infections, IBS, gallbladder removed and lastly was diagnosed with endometriosis which could affect the ability for child barring.  WHEW!  So when I say, after all that I’ve been through I still have joy? yea this is most def why. Made a huge change with eating right, working out and lost right at 50 pounds, I feel great and plan to continue this into the next stage of life!

November 2009

May 2011

       Experienced true love that I can only imagine to embrace somewhere in the next 25 years as I reverence the heartbreak that came with them. They taught me much, and I am grateful. The grown woman wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for them.

    First family vacation this year!! Orlando, Florida as mom turned 60, we took her here to celebrate. She was so happy! Again, another priceless moment!

      I am moved emotionally as I write this, to have record of my words if the Lord ever saw fit to take me on home. I will never regret anything I have done or did, because it was all for a purpose and a plan that is greater than I can comprehend.  I may not be where I  would like to be, maybe some kids and a husband, and a BMW 750 Series! lol ….but I am glad that I am not where I was anymore. That time has ended, and a new chapter is beginning. I look to the hills from which cometh my help, and I know through him, Jesus Christ, My Lord and savior, I can do anything but fail!

  So what’s on the agenda for the next 25?? Well school (IUPUI) starts back up for me next week to aspire my true career path, Event Management/Toursim,  that I now know is for me. My business fully functional, Serene Event’s Management Inc.  Maybe a new city…Indy is just getting old I tell ya…and hopefully the man God has for me. Theater is always in my heart, as I hope to be back on the stage this fall!! (Walker Theater, Indy)  Time worries me, but I can’t let it consume me. Just got to enjoy every minute of it.

*** Duchy!***

Thoughts During the Rain

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……So it’s pouring down raining this morning, and the thunder is lighting so loud that my heart just once jumped up with a shutter of fear and surprise. I roll over and wonder, why today Lord? When I don’t have to be at work, I just wanted to be able to sleep in for once…with no interrupts or distractions. Well, not happening today I guess. My alarm clock, that which is set for my regular work days alarmed and I knew then that I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep at this point, so I decided to write.

        A scripture came to my mind last night before I went to bed, the one that refers to as a dog going back to its vomit…how nasty the thought of that is….to literally throw up some food that you ate, for whatever reason did not settle in your stomach, now forced out of your body because it’s no longer something good for you and has to get out! After all that your body does to get that “bad” something out, to go back to it…..and eat it all over again? YUCK! Now that is just horribly nasty!  We all know what vomit smells and looks like, such a repulsing smell and sight. One that when people see it or smell it they are moved to become ill just from being around it themselves.

    This amazes me, for the one simple fact that this is something I had been doing myself….like really! How in the world do I continue to mess with situations that God has said no to many times, I have been hurt, disappointed, and frustrated only because of my true disobedience. Soon to be officially 26 in a few days, I have come to realize that a lot of my heartache and pain is all because of me continuing to go back to things that God has released me from once. No blessings or favor is going to suddenly appear!  The illusion is that if I just cry enough, God will change it, If I pray enough, he will change his mind. NOPE! Not happening.

“JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT SOMEONE, DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN HAVE THEM!”

    This can go both ways cause I have been on both ends. Someone wants me but I just don’t want them, nor do we match what so ever. Then, I have wanted someone and they just don’t want me…which I have no clue why? I mean, I am beautiful, talented, educated, got good common sense, Loves the Lord, etc….  Hey,just a little self encouragement here!! lol  Truth is, It is what it is, and you have to let go and move on either way.

        Here recently, not only does the image of me eating my vomit make me sick to my stomach, but when I think of certain people there is a nasty taste in my mouth…distain. When someone leaves a bad taste in your mouth, like when you ate a piece of candy that was a horrible flavor that you swear never to want to experience again….lol…that is what that person is too you now. When they text you, your simply like…” Ugh! Smacking of your lips….UGH! Not really wanting to talk to you…”  It could just be that, a conversation went horrible, or your experiences with that person was not the best, if not horrible, and all you can think about is, ” Yea, wish that had went differently”  or ” Not, really feeling them after that….”  It happens to us all, and sometimes we don’t realize that we have left a bad taste in someones mouth, or they look at you as the past, to try to continue on with it is like going back to their old vomit, which then repulses them.

        So, I guess in a nutshell, My Lord knows how to get me where he wants me….and if it means that the next time Billy and Bob calls and text….I don’t want to have nothing to do with them because I know that it wasn’t about the right in the beginning, middle was a hot mess, and the ending was better so lets just leave it that way. No need to get mad Bob or billy when I don’t want to talk to you or continue to play the same games with you….I’m done eating something that God has been trying to purge from me. 

    And then its the dreadful situation of that one that never really asks you out, and your kinda like…”Okay, so mmm? How are we suppose to be building a friendship if you never ask me out??”….. and those that stare for hours but NEVER say anything….whew that’s really annoying I tell ya! Just say “Hi, How are you?” doesn’t have to be a cheesy line or something……and the lovely ones, that supposedly like you so much, talked to you maybe for a split second, and next thing you know the person is ignoring you, and has moved on to someone else for whatever reason that is unknown to you cause they don’t even converse on a friendship bases anymore. ” Dang, did my breath stink the last time we talked or something?” LOL! …….So u end up just putting them kinda in the back of your mind, since you’re not going to be chasing them to spend time with you.  Its like trying to put together a puzzle, all the pieces have to fit, otherwise it never comes together right, and that’s the key part I am learning…whether I love this or we click so well on that, it has to all come together and both have to be moving gracefully at the same pace.

      I am proud of myself though…I see growth and change in the mirror. An immature little girl has now faded, giving and falling for everything that resembled love….and here stands an encouraged, learned, and processed woman of God, ready to stand for whats right and good in her life.  

      Singleness is a process….Lord, Jesus Christ,  I thank you as I humbly submit myself too you in a new way and shape. Yes its hard, but I know I will reap the benefits of the test if I faint not….I pray for those that are in the place where I am. Desiring marriage, children, a home…but doesn’t want to settle for anything less than what you have for them. Keep them encouraged and let them know that with every time their heart cries out because it seems so unfair, and that something just must not be right about them if they haven’t yet been offered something real as others…. let them know, that it’s not over, blessing are still on the way…and to stand strong…God I thank you.

In Jesus Name I pray this prayer amen.

       Now back to finding things that make me happy and enjoy life as I know how….yet while I am single.  Birthday party, school, traveling! Lets go!

***Duchy****

Heaven’s View

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Oh wow, how did I do this? Some how I am floating in the air….

My feet don’t want to touch the ground as I try to understand, just how I got my self up there….

Not too fast….not too slow….just the right pace my body seems to float.

I smile at words spoken, ideas that I dream, I move higher in the sky some how it seems.

Usually, I can scream for help, and friends come…pulling me back down to realities slum….

This time its different…I desire no help, I want to see just where this feeling will take me all by myself.

I look down and see my past, pain and hurt that use to tie me down, now I only see it vaguely, faded behind the clouds.

Higher I float, I wonder what’s next, its all been surreal, knowing we haven’t even met.

I no longer want to stop, or fight…this for the first time in my life feels so right.

So, I float and feel like I’m in heaven. His words comfort, I look and now see…if this is real, only God could have sent him for me.

So is this what heaven feels like? To look down at the world of chaos and turmoil, knowing that your happiness out weights all the hurt that hits too your inner core.

For now, I float…and enjoy this view…heaven is where I want to be and that is a feeling I choose with he.

*Duchy!* <3

“Lightbulb!”

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     At the exact moment I stepped my feet in the training room for my latest job, I truly was excited about it, and just knew that it would be the breaking of a new day! …..hummm… yea so,  that is so not what I feel like now .   After 6 months on the 15th, I will know way more than I wanted to about the stock market, people’s million dollar accounts that I can only imagine to achieve in my life time, and the thousand of password resets on an inbound client services line. 

       I have had a few different adventures when it comes down to jobs and career choices for my life. First when I was 11, I knew for sure that I wanted to be the best african american woman lawyer ever! Just like Matlock! I use to watch his show all the time and thought that was the coolest thing ever….however once I got older and realized all the years and schooling it took to be a lawyer, I said yea, that’s not for me. When I graduated from high school, my mind was set. I was going to Indiana State University for Nursing major and Theater minor.  Then I was introduced to the lovely thing called financial aid that wasn’t going to pay for another semester so I had to come back home to Indy. I was bummed but determined that medical was for me, so I went on to the local community college and graduated Cum Laude in Medical Assisting. With all of the excitement and joy that I had, a job was nowhere to be found, therefore I was stuck taking any job I could find that would pay my bills since at this point I was now a car owner, and had my apartment as well.

      From then, I worked in sales, child care, and even found a medical position in dialysis as a technician. That was the hardest job for me, and I knew then that I couldn’t do medical after all. What are the odds of that, not knowing that a career isn’t really going to fit “you” as you wanted or thought that it would from just the thought of what’s considered to be a good career choice.   I continued to search and find what was really “ME”. I even entertained the idea of taking something that I had a talent to do, but never though of it was something I wanted to do full-time, cosmetology.  I liked it for the fun styles and designs I created on hair, but once it only became like a hebrew slave school on the styling floor, my patience was then very limited. I dropped out not to long afterwards. 

I know! What now? What did I try, or experiment with then? Well, I had to get with the company I am with now to have a major “LIGHTBLUB!” moment.  There is one thing outside of my love for theater/acting is planning events and having some fun!  Event Management!

         I hear the words of my family….” Okay, so is this really what you want to do now?” ….Sigh… Yes! It really is….only took me to experience a few years of different places, people, and atmospheres to discover that this is really what I want to do. Not so much work for another company again, but launch and begin my business, taking full control of my career advancement. The idea of someone else rating my worth and work ethic is no longer an appealing to me, and I want to be far away from that as possible.

         Now,  I sit back in this corporate America role with this investment company, knowing this is not my cup of tea. Money is great, but not my hearts desire. So….what did I do? I enrolled back in college this summer to begin a new degree program at IUPUI for event management, launching my business this year… Serene Event’s Management & Productions…and already bidding on some events now! Just the thought of waking up to be able to do this everyday puts a huge smile on my face! And yes, this year has been all about Duchy doing what makes her happy and anyone that doesn’t like it, or don’t want to be apart of it can… “KICK ROCKS!” LOL! But for real…..

     I feel good. And I am happy.  ….Next…. New Boo?? ….. Maybe….

*Duchy!

NEW SEASON

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This is the beginning of a new season, a new level of my life. I plan on stepping into place of unmarked territory that I have never treaded before. Sites I am looking forward to see amazes me and I can’t wait to reach some of the purposes that God has for my destiny! Ready to take back what the devil has stolen from me and know that God is going to renew and restore. Shifting has occured in my life like a severe earthqake on the land, the after shock is painful but steps to move forward are in the plans. I can not change what other people do or say… but I can control what I do, and how I treat people. The best I can offer is what I have to give. ME. I can and have never pretended I am something more or less then who I am. I have accepted it. :) This is how God made me and I love me and I know that his perfected will, will be done in my life and those that are meant to be here, will be and the others will fade. NEW SEASON! And I am not bitter about it at all! If anything I am excited!

Duchy’s Scribble.