Tag Archives: Love

Split Personalities. ” Who Am I Inside?”

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I am in a place today, that I have never been before. Not in this way anyway…. I had a friend tell me something that cut so deep that I didn’t know it could feel that way. I have always believed that I was a good friend too people. Try to have an open ear, and that they could always come to me and talk about anything. I prayed that I would have the words to say, if my opinion or advice was requested. I believe I am a good person, great personality, beautiful, talented, and saved by Gods grace. One thing I didn’t anticipate was facing another side of me.  That side of me that I know is there, it comes out all the time, but I don’t want to admit it when it does.

Emotions. That one part of being a human that can be so complex and frustrating. We can feel one way now and then another way the next. For some, they aren’t really bothered by much and everything seems to just roll off their backs. They give a good shoulder “shrug” and its done.  And then there are some like me… where my emotions have become more than just a characteristic of being a human, to where it has become another part of my identity.  Its surreal when I look on the past… things I have said and done, completely out of emotions. My experience with men has brought this to the surface many times. And I have heard them, thought I did take it in and address it within myself to make the necessary changes, but some how… that other side still seems to come out.. when I least expect it.

This last appearance, I have not been in the presence of the Lord as I should, but even when I was the closest to him, I would still have moments where now I can admit I am over dramatic… I have pushed and drilled to try to get my way or someone to just agree with me, that I was right.  In those moments, I can say I didn’t see how detrimental I am being and how it affects my closest family and friends. I was told by a male companion, that although we were two different people, which attracted us to one another and not seeing eye to eye about things brought texture too us, one thing he could not deal with is a woman who is overly dramatic and emotional about any and everything.

I knew I was… I just couldn’t even recognize that I was doing it so much to the point that it was or would push someone away. I have always used the excuse of, ” this is who I am. Love me or leave me.”  And I believe that people should accept you for who you are, not try to change you and you shouldn’t try to change them. Reality is, we do pick whom or what we are willing to deal with. If we say that person drinks too much for me, then you make the decision not to be around them for that reason, not saying you don’t think that person is coo, just they aren’t someone you would want to be around all the time, or make a life with if it’s the opposite sex.  Some changes you do need to make…if you really want to have a successful fulfilling life.

I felt like a mirror was placed in my face and I had to face that dark side that I have really ignored. I know I have dealt with it in the past, and knew that I was doing better with not letting things get me so worked up to the point of anxiety attacks…just learning to breathe and let things go. From a history of abuse in my past, I use to hold so many things in… and all I knew to do was cry. I couldn’t tell what was happening to me because of the fear….so I would just keep it in and cry. Well, as an adult learning that balance was, had been hard for me. Now I can speak my mind, and shouldn’t have to be afraid any more of getting smacked in the mouth by my mother, or told I am just a child and need to know my place. I can say what I want when I want because I am grown. Right?

Right. Problem is, if someone wasn’t responding in the way I want them too, then I just wouldn’t react to well too that. I haven’t known how to let things go… its okay… if you have spoken your opinion and that’s it.  I have the choice just like everyone else whether or not to continue to deal with a situation.

I never want a person to feel like they can’t be open and honest with me because they feel like they are going to get a whip of my rage and fury. LOL…. not good. And I dare not want to lose out on a great man one day, because I can’t control my emotions, in the end… pushing him away. Now, I will say, I won’t feel like I have a muzzle on my mouth either…I just need to learn when, where, and what is the best what to express what I feel, then without always going over the top. My love for the theater is when this really comes into play… guess I need to get on that darn stage more again. 🙂

I did ask my sister, how did she feel about this, and again… I heard exactly what I didn’t want to hear….which then meant I was in a pool of tears once again. It’s hard to face the truth about your self… and realizing your rationalization for it, can no longer carry you along in life. As I went through my life, deciding to better myself with going back to school for a degree in what I love too do…starting my business that cosines with that, hitting the truth and losing 60 pounds with a better lifestyle…. I  have another area that I must strive to do better at… my heart.

I was told I take everything to heart. I do. I have. Some things you should… and now I truly understand, some things you shouldn’t. Me stressing over something that isn’t worth it… means I am bringing illness to my body and relationships. I must protect my heart… there are the issues of life… flowing.  If I guard it… I won’t be so moved and shaken when life happens or things don’t work out as I want them too.  Not only guard it, but give it back to the Lord…know where my help and strength comes from. Allow him to place it back in his secret place. I don’t want to become cold, just have a bit thicker skin.

This fella, may or may not be the one for me, but I can say,  there was a purpose for him and I meeting… and this is most definitely one of them. He’s has taught me a lot in the short time of dating… crazy thing is…other males in the pass I know have tried to address it, unfortunately at that place in time in my life I wasn’t able to hear or receive it. Their opinion was clouded by too much other stuff in our relationships.  Not having a my father there as a child to really teach me, show me love and attention meant that I have had a great lacking… seeking for that love and approval. Wanting that attention, having things my way, and if I didn’t get it I would fight, be dramatic to get my way. If none of that worked, I would cry. I just knew no man could resist a woman crying. I did things that a little girl does with her father, and because mines was not there, I looked to these men in my life to fill that void. I don’t even do this with my father and we have a great relationship currently… smh! Wow… amazing how things can truly come out in your adult hood due to events in your past.  Well,  this time. It didn’t work. And he was a man who wasn’t moved by all of that, yes it affected him, but in a way that he was not willing to deal with no matter what great of a woman he thought I was over all. He was brutally honest,  the truth was clear.

I am okay with accepting my flaws and know myself… and adjust my life accordingly. My past has affected who I am today, I can only make sure that it becomes in a positive way.   Accepting, there are some things I just can’t do, cause I know if I do… I will be an emotional roller coaster. And as I keep myself away from those things, I can work on just the daily moments, seeking God for healing and filling that void….one step at a time. Learn yourself, and know who you are…… the real you no matter what did the molding.

I pray for contentment, patience, and understanding. And when I get discouraged… just know that my life is not in vain and I shall reap a great harvest if I faint not.

Duchy!

Let’s Just See….

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Let’s just see what happens when I stop texting thee…

Alright let’s just be honest, the words that I speak don’t come from No Pocahontas …

They may not make sense, and if they are from the heart….they won’t be on a censored list…

I smirk at the thought and illusion that you pursue what you want…

Only if I am musically inclined then, maybe our words and lyrics can intertwine

Be tied by a beat, music lines is our retreat.

Let’s Just See how far we can go… the music should never stop… the beat continues to flow

Fear can control true love and destiny if you stop on the side line with distracts… what an epiphany.

You… I see… simple… yet a mind as complex as it can be.

Your questions keep me on my toes; your touch brings texture to my soul…

Unexpected connection boggles the mind… leaving questions of expectations

Will I be yours and you mine?

Let’s just see.

Patience is a virtue… you don’t rush perfection… wait… no one can be perfect right?

So why wait till you feel you have it all on a straight line.

I may now try something new…. Soar on a friendship that takes me high…

Continued to an island of great conversations of the mind…. Oh how I wouldn’t dare turn back the hands of time.

Let’s just see how you write this tale… from a perspective of someone yet still floating

Your mind thinks ritually, your lips speak swiftly…

It does seem unfair to meet you in times as these….

Shifting your life, unstable for the chase of the music notes on flight….

Funny thing is, I am not afraid to fly… and Christ as my savior… or die.

Let see if you run from something great, due to your own doubts

I will sit and wait… for the breaking point… that you say…I love you…

Known from the moment I met you.

Let’s just see… how far music and love can take thee.

Away from me?   Possibly.

The God, I know sees… what the end will be.

I’m willing to wait…. Well, Let’s Just See…

Heaven’s View

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Oh wow, how did I do this? Some how I am floating in the air….

My feet don’t want to touch the ground as I try to understand, just how I got my self up there….

Not too fast….not too slow….just the right pace my body seems to float.

I smile at words spoken, ideas that I dream, I move higher in the sky some how it seems.

Usually, I can scream for help, and friends come…pulling me back down to realities slum….

This time its different…I desire no help, I want to see just where this feeling will take me all by myself.

I look down and see my past, pain and hurt that use to tie me down, now I only see it vaguely, faded behind the clouds.

Higher I float, I wonder what’s next, its all been surreal, knowing we haven’t even met.

I no longer want to stop, or fight…this for the first time in my life feels so right.

So, I float and feel like I’m in heaven. His words comfort, I look and now see…if this is real, only God could have sent him for me.

So is this what heaven feels like? To look down at the world of chaos and turmoil, knowing that your happiness out weights all the hurt that hits too your inner core.

For now, I float…and enjoy this view…heaven is where I want to be and that is a feeling I choose with he.

*Duchy!* ❤

“Oh How I Wait….”

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Oh how I wait….

The shift my feelings seems to be persuaded by ones true desire….

I have always dreamed and wondered what will be if I could only fly….

How time goes by,

Oh how I await,

For my rescue from this place, surrounded by confusion and chaos….

Peace hides from me, I sit and listen to the whispers of agony….

Each one reminding me, how they don’t love me…

Oh how I wait…

I wait to be loved, by one so true
Not moved by my hips or my thighs or the ideas that run through his mind

Forever not knowing why….

Oh how I await,

As tears roll down my face,
Creeping winds of a familiar place….

Haunt me, makes me believe…that my sanity comes and goes,

My mind leaves my body and soul…

Oh how I wait….

To be captured in fantasy, a world of pleasure…not tingled by flesh but words that comes with out rest….

A sweet melody to my ears, he comes oh so near…

Not with what his hands may do…but how his heart speaks words of truth.

Oh how I await,

To know that I don’t hate,
I just won’t accept

I’m not mean, I just done relate.

To your ideas or concepts of this world,
I’m a old school girl.

Oh my God how I await,

For my change to come.
I love me, and who I see
And one day, he will know that my body is flesh

My soul will never rest.

Time alone presents, understanding, focus, and those I have reprimanded…

For all u see, is not enough for me…

I await for u to love, care for every aspect of who I am, and who God called me to be.

I wait.

*Duchy!*

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Connecting the Dots of God’s Divine Order

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In the southern town of Atlanta, Georgia a little girl sat in class one day as her teacher taught about the U.S. History.  This girl was not from Atlanta, but the city of Indianapolis, Indiana.  Her mother and older sister moved there that prior summer before the school session began. The little girl was not excited about this move but had no choice to embrace it as she just turned 11 years old.

She attended a school called Peachcrest Elementary that was considered in walking distance, however to in her opinion, she was not used to the hills and spider webs that accompanied the walking path; this should not have been allowed.  Her teacher was Mrs. Hamilton. Mrs. Hamilton was a classy African-American woman who was about 5’5 in height, short black hair and always wore the brightest fire-red fingernail polish.  She would stand with great posture and spoke with proper English, which for the south the little girl found it nice, since she was the one that was told to have an accent.

One day one the teacher asked all the students in the class what did they want to be when they grew up.  At that time, the little girl became a lover of Matlock and just knew without shadow of a doubt that she wanted to be one, until years later she discovered the true length of the schooling, which changed her mind very quickly.  This same little girl went to pursue many adventures to find what was right for her life but found that many of the avenues she took did not really lead to many successful opportunities.

This little girl is now 25 and working for a company in sales.  Her jobs up to this point have been medical, customer service, and sales.  None of those career choices seem to be what God had in store for her to do, all the doors closed.  The talent of styling hair didn’t really seem to be something that she wanted to do as a career.  She loved to do it for fun, from time to time with friends and family. Only when she was in the mood, if not, she didn’t. No really, this wasn’t something that she thought was something that she should NOT take on as the basis of her income, when sometimes she just didn’t feel like doing it! LOL  But, as life reality has hit and with five years till 30, she knew that she needed to seek the Lord for a plan and what he may have for her and to lead the way.

She wasn’t approved for the financial aid until God released it the summer of 2010. She wasn’t able to afford to go to school full-time and live on her own until God placed her into a job that she wasn’t stressed and making the income to cover her bills, which again did not come until the summer of 2010. She wasn’t able to seek the Lord for ways that she is able to enjoy her singleness and press towards ministry until she was released and healed from the ending of an engagement, which was officially a year the summer of 2010.  Are you seeing this? How God has connected so much and brought it together in the year of 2010. The number 10 means to bring everything to a completion, nothing is wanting.  How great is our God that he is able to time everything right when it’s suppose to happen when you trust and lean on him! 

She, Duchy, I have started the career of Cosmetology this year of 2010. This being the area that I really didn’t want originally! Isn’t that how it is though, what you don’t want to do and try to run from comes right back around and it’s really your true blessing! OMG! I felt that!!! LOL But as I have learned that it’s not about me, but about what God wants and when he wants you to have it!  I have always known that I wanted my very own business as majority of my family are business owners.  To own a salon is now my goal for the year of 2011. It’s achievable and reachable and I trust that this is what God originally wanted me to do.  A few of my classes for Nursing and Medical Assisting are now reviewed in the courses for Cosmetology as well as the sales and marketing of your services and your products used.  I worked in furniture sales; I’m currently working as a QA agent for a company that is sales.  All these different avenues have prepared me for what I am stepping into today! HOW AMAZING!   Medical teaches, ethics, responsibility, honesty, care of others, empathy, and realization that your patients depend on you to care for them. Working in dialysis I realized that those people could care less what I was going through and if I was having a bad day, I better not bring in on the floor, when they are on machines to replace an organ in their body that no longer works. My woes meant nothing.   Same reflects to a service that you are providing to someone who is expecting you to make them look and feel better about themselves when they leave your presence.  And this all still ties to the love of Christ, and just the understanding you treat people as you want to be treated. When you seek him first, his kingdom, all his righteousness, God sees your true desires before you do, and he knows what you need before you need it! COME ON GOD!  Think about your life events, choices, and how they may have been connected together for an ultimate purpose. This is just one area of my life, career. I can’t wait to see what he is going to do with finances, companionship, ministry….Thy will be done…Thy Divine Will Be done in my Life on this day dear Lord. Amen.

*Duchy!