Monthly Archives: July 2010

The Pain of Standing..Please… Don’t Let Me Fall

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Have you ever had to stand up on your feet  for hours and hours at one time? Your legs, feet, and back begins to hurt and grow weary every additional second your moving and standing.  All you want to do is sit down and take a break.  A break from the pain, a break from the hurt, a break from being tired. When you stand you must stand tall and strong and be able to still keep moving without dragging your feet to slowly.  But that becomes the hard part, when you have to keep moving with those hurting feet and aching.

I am on the edge of snapping in my mind, ready to release the true physical expressions of how I feel.  Right when you are ready to crack and inflict harm to something or someone, there is “that” which makes the difference  between you and the next person,… when I truly want to curse and do harm, I can’t. The Holy Ghost yet still rises, because it knows my heart! It knows that in the mist of the pain, and the anger… I yet still love the Lord and want what he has for me.  My mind is clouded and my judgement is a bit vague but my heart is secure in the Love of the Lord.  The pain of standing is ridiculously excruciating and I want nothing but to take a rest from the fight. But my soul is anchored and my mind is made up… so I can’t. 

Right when my knees are ready to buckle, and I am crying OUT TO ANYONE, SOMEONE, PLEASE COME HELP ME STAND! There is a simple word from the Lord…. as I seek him just through a simple daily devotion of Pastor Rod Parsley… Why does God say to the Christian, “Come out from them and be separate” (2 Corinthians 6:17)? Because the more separate you become in Him, the more pure and powerful you will be for His kingdom.  Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God” (Matthew 5:8). The purer your heart becomes, the more of God you will see—and the more of God’s presence will be seen in you.”   http://www.rodparsley.com/DailyDevotions.aspx      At this is the yet word I needed today.  I know that the friends that were once were are no longer there because of Gods will, I know that the men that were once there are no longer here because of God’s perfected will, AND I KNOW that I have the strength to stand strong when my knees are so weak and want to give out…only…strickly… because of the glorious,intangible, amazing, will of God.  And because I stood this time, seeking for spiritual and physical purification. I know I passed that test and my blessing is not to far away… My Prayer is always, Lord Please don’t let me fall… anymore.  I will be okay… I know that… just getting through this phase is the hard part and I must be real with where I am and find my way back to my quite place …. his strength is truly prefect. 

* Humbled continuously, Duchy*

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Where’s my Boxing Gloves! I’m Ready to Fight!

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" My Boxing Gloves!"

 POW! POW! SMACK!! Crack!

 Mrs. Cecily! All my life I had to fight! I had to fight my daddy; I had to fight my Momma! Isa Loves Harpo, God Knows I do, But I’ll Kill him dead before I let him beat me!” – Color Purple….

Now I will make this quick as I learn over my life that I need to always fight! I am tired of the battle ground of despair never able to understand why I’m even there.  Can’t anyone help me; it’s a lonely fight… I always have to take out my glove to battle! People talking about me, and others wanting to do harm to me! POW!  Loneliness comes and goes in the midnight, trying to get that late night call…POW! WHEW!!!! I’m not done yet!!  Thoughts of Sucidue and death over whelm my soul…SMACK! Hurt of friendships broken with betrayal and dishonestly….CATHUMP! (Sorry I had to stomp that one)…… 

It doesn’t surprise me that I am always in a fight, like with that ugly girl when I was in kindergarten and she messed with my favorite doll. Now why did she go and do that because I am going to have to get with her to let her know you don’t touch my stuff! She wasn’t cute no way, so when she cried, it didn’t hurt my feelings, it just made me see that my fight had more power then I realized. But as I got home with a note in my bag from my teacher to my momma, that power was not the one I wanted to master because it released the gloves of momma to enforce a teaching of who really had the upper hand… OUCH! 

The gloves were in retirement in high school mainly.  I didn’t really have too much to fight there, except the stupid ignorant stuff that i actually chose to get in and not fight it at all. At home I fought with the gloves of “I’m a teenager and should be treated like one!” Now what that really means, I have no clue, cause I really thought those gloves were, ” I’m a teenager but should be allowed to do things with everyone else and be grown…sometime…with some stuff…”  Neither pair was a match to the once again, never defeated gloves of my momma. I lost every battle almost… well the ones that she actually wore them for.   

When I had the gloves in retirement at high school, that is when your curiosity takes over and at some point you want to see what all that is about. Then later you realize it’s all about NOTHING…lol. The gloves are placed over to the side and you allow things to just “happen”.  Now for me this began in high school and continued on to full bloom in college. The gloves had dust on them at this point. I’m just saying!!  It wasn’t till things seemed to be all going wrong and my fighting with my bare fist to try to get financially aid to work out, completely had no power and I was back home with the understand…. what am I going to do now? 

Now as an adult, the have been off and on… off here…. and off…there….SMH… and now more than ever before they must come out of retirement. They must be shined and finely fitted to my hands again to see if I still got the power to throw them boughs like I use to when I was strong and at the peak of my walk with Christ. I never will give up and I will not put them down again, will they hit my sides some times as my flesh arise, maybe….. I won’t lie I probably sometime they will… but I yet still hold on to them and will always know the power of the hit from my boxing gloves. So now, I’m ready to fight, and I know whose side wins in the end… Mines! 

*Duchy*

Ask My Daddy Can You Love Me….

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Its tickles me but it’s so true. A true gentleman should ask the father for permission to have a womans heart, To take her from her daddy and momma, be a provider, lover and best friend to her.  So many don’t follow those traditions, they think their too old fashion! I don’t think so. I think you should seek the Father for approval, and not just the natural father but the Lord God. HE is the only one that truly gives permission if a man can have a womans heart. Well, that woman has to have that heart in the arms and care of the Lord. That choice that she is done doing her thang, and Gods will be done. Why not have a man who seeks for your heart through Christ. FIND ME behind the vail of the Lord, not under the sheets of sex and flesh.  If you want me, my heart…you must ask my daddy can you. We  may sneaky, and keep it quite while getting to know them. The heart may peek out from behind the Lord’s veil wondering, imagining.  It could be too soon to know, and that’s okay too. Anything worth having is worth working hard for!  So now I stand my ground, and I wait patiently for “that” something great.  New ministry has made me excited again about Gods work! The love to please God is more than enough, but I yet still need more of him everyday. That’s what keeps me safe.  That sneaky love can only come through the approval of God, my father, that I trust. He knows my heart more than anyone on this earth…..  Now I await to see if this man seeks it, and finds it… and asks my daddy!    

*Duchy*

Connecting the Dots of God’s Divine Order

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In the southern town of Atlanta, Georgia a little girl sat in class one day as her teacher taught about the U.S. History.  This girl was not from Atlanta, but the city of Indianapolis, Indiana.  Her mother and older sister moved there that prior summer before the school session began. The little girl was not excited about this move but had no choice to embrace it as she just turned 11 years old.

She attended a school called Peachcrest Elementary that was considered in walking distance, however to in her opinion, she was not used to the hills and spider webs that accompanied the walking path; this should not have been allowed.  Her teacher was Mrs. Hamilton. Mrs. Hamilton was a classy African-American woman who was about 5’5 in height, short black hair and always wore the brightest fire-red fingernail polish.  She would stand with great posture and spoke with proper English, which for the south the little girl found it nice, since she was the one that was told to have an accent.

One day one the teacher asked all the students in the class what did they want to be when they grew up.  At that time, the little girl became a lover of Matlock and just knew without shadow of a doubt that she wanted to be one, until years later she discovered the true length of the schooling, which changed her mind very quickly.  This same little girl went to pursue many adventures to find what was right for her life but found that many of the avenues she took did not really lead to many successful opportunities.

This little girl is now 25 and working for a company in sales.  Her jobs up to this point have been medical, customer service, and sales.  None of those career choices seem to be what God had in store for her to do, all the doors closed.  The talent of styling hair didn’t really seem to be something that she wanted to do as a career.  She loved to do it for fun, from time to time with friends and family. Only when she was in the mood, if not, she didn’t. No really, this wasn’t something that she thought was something that she should NOT take on as the basis of her income, when sometimes she just didn’t feel like doing it! LOL  But, as life reality has hit and with five years till 30, she knew that she needed to seek the Lord for a plan and what he may have for her and to lead the way.

She wasn’t approved for the financial aid until God released it the summer of 2010. She wasn’t able to afford to go to school full-time and live on her own until God placed her into a job that she wasn’t stressed and making the income to cover her bills, which again did not come until the summer of 2010. She wasn’t able to seek the Lord for ways that she is able to enjoy her singleness and press towards ministry until she was released and healed from the ending of an engagement, which was officially a year the summer of 2010.  Are you seeing this? How God has connected so much and brought it together in the year of 2010. The number 10 means to bring everything to a completion, nothing is wanting.  How great is our God that he is able to time everything right when it’s suppose to happen when you trust and lean on him! 

She, Duchy, I have started the career of Cosmetology this year of 2010. This being the area that I really didn’t want originally! Isn’t that how it is though, what you don’t want to do and try to run from comes right back around and it’s really your true blessing! OMG! I felt that!!! LOL But as I have learned that it’s not about me, but about what God wants and when he wants you to have it!  I have always known that I wanted my very own business as majority of my family are business owners.  To own a salon is now my goal for the year of 2011. It’s achievable and reachable and I trust that this is what God originally wanted me to do.  A few of my classes for Nursing and Medical Assisting are now reviewed in the courses for Cosmetology as well as the sales and marketing of your services and your products used.  I worked in furniture sales; I’m currently working as a QA agent for a company that is sales.  All these different avenues have prepared me for what I am stepping into today! HOW AMAZING!   Medical teaches, ethics, responsibility, honesty, care of others, empathy, and realization that your patients depend on you to care for them. Working in dialysis I realized that those people could care less what I was going through and if I was having a bad day, I better not bring in on the floor, when they are on machines to replace an organ in their body that no longer works. My woes meant nothing.   Same reflects to a service that you are providing to someone who is expecting you to make them look and feel better about themselves when they leave your presence.  And this all still ties to the love of Christ, and just the understanding you treat people as you want to be treated. When you seek him first, his kingdom, all his righteousness, God sees your true desires before you do, and he knows what you need before you need it! COME ON GOD!  Think about your life events, choices, and how they may have been connected together for an ultimate purpose. This is just one area of my life, career. I can’t wait to see what he is going to do with finances, companionship, ministry….Thy will be done…Thy Divine Will Be done in my Life on this day dear Lord. Amen.

*Duchy!

Slient Cries of the Lost Loves

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Duchy’s Journal Entry

You never know who or what God has in store for you until you live your life. It’s surprising how things evolve and develop right before your eyes.  Lost Loves are those that you have grown to love in your life at some point and now they are not there. To understand that people change as you do some relationships will not remain the same.  The pain and the brokenness that comes from it truly are unreal to the natural mind, how God’s hand turns the wheel as it spins your life into a story.

Loves Lost through death seems to be the worst only because there is not a chance to go back and redo anything with that person ever again. Harsh words or cruel deed can’t be sought after for forgiveness. You must live with knowing what was done, is done and you can’t try to make it better.  If your love lost was of a family member, a companion, a lover, or a friend or me a pastor.  You always look back and look over the relationship and wonder could it have been better? Did you do everything you were supposing to? My Pastor died unexpectedly. He had been my Sheppard for 5 years and was there through a lot of the loves lost. I felt as though I didn’t get to tell him how much he really meant to me and how much I loved him so. Although, I was preparing to leave the ministry a week before his death, I didn’t get that chance to sit and talk with him directly about my decision. I so regretted not waiting, until a better time, or at least when I could speak to him face to face.  So much to say, and no more time remained to say it. He came to me in a dream right after his funeral, and let me know that it was all going to be alright. Then and only then did I have peace and I knew that he was fully aware of my hearts concerns. Through death all questions can and possibly will forever go unanswered.  

Lost Loves through conflict that wasn’t able to be resolved, or maybe that was the actual resolution too it.  This is and can be as hurtful as losing them through death, but the initial feeling of mourning doesn’t hit until you are over the anger and the hurt of the original conflict.  Majority of the time, years after the conflict one may look back and realize that it wasn’t worth all of the pain and energy that went into that situation.  It was pointless to let your emotions to go so extreme when the heart already knew what the end result would be for them. Both parties have such a responsibility in this that it usually takes both to really want to fix the damage that has been done.  However, there are those factors that come to play of secret issues within ones heart that no one knew, and only through the heat of the fire, do those come out to play. Now you have a pot full of steam, and it boils over to the point of no return.  As we are human, we play to our first emotions and say what we feel, even if it’s not the truth, or sometimes you do just the opposite, you speak the truth. The initial love that was there holding the relationship, is no more the bonding glue as you thought. Those secret issues made that glue weaken and no longer contain the stickiness! LOL this in my opinion plays more towards friendships.  You learn that if one feels something can destroy your relationship of years of friendships, and then it wasn’t really about either party, it was all about what God means for you to continue within the next season of your life. The love is still there, but the relationship is now a memory to cherish. Jesus himself experienced his best friend betraying him, but yet he still loved him. We must do the same.

Lost Loves of Companions, Lovers, and Soul Ties of those that you never have even kissed; this one is always the most interesting too me because you can really only touch on your own life’s experiences. Everyone can be a Dr. Phil and break down what you should or shouldn’t do, but reality is that everyone’s perception of what is morally and ethically wrong it their own opinion. Can’t be proven with facts, maybe statistics but that’s about it.  After being engaged twice and my heart “IN” love 5 times and loved a few, I have learned that there are no rules to the game. You can’t set how it should be or what should happen to make it just right or perfect, because you aren’t the only one playing the game. There are the other people who have influences on the decisions of the relationship. Some may say it should, but at the end of the day, they do. We listen to our family, friends, co-workers, and our children. You make decision based off of what people think or will see, and we try to make sure that we don’t which just still defeats the whole purpose. I learned that my life is mine, and that I am grown, but my decisions affects my family and close friends just as much as it affects me, no matter how much I try to keep it” MY LIFE.” LOL.  If that is the case then I need to live on a planet just by myself so it doesn’t affect anyone else.  Let’s be real, not happening. 

When a relationship with a boyfriend that ended in a bad state, or just someone who you were sleeping with you may say it meant nothing too you and wasn’t affected one way or the other. You were and are affected and that person will forever be imprinted onto your life. Apart of you and a part of them will forever be entwined as our memories can’t be removed or erased. To lose a man who said he loved you to another woman, to a career, to his children, etc. can and will affect you in many aspects of your life. To love someone who doesn’t love you. To love a woman who only loves what u has in your bank account. So many examples, but when you continue to lose loves that God said is not the one for you, hurts, esp. when you see your friends and family with children and companionship. U want to take matters in your hands and find that person to make you happy, but all you’re doing is pushing back further what GOD has for you when you do that. It hurts to have someone say they love you and they think of nothing but themselves. It breaks you when you just knew this person was the one, when in reality you have settled so low, that you don’t even remember who you are anymore. It seems as painful as death to love and give your body to someone who only means to use your body for the sexual fulfillment of the flesh, the moment of the touch that we as human yearn for, leaves you just as lonely as before, and in reality you aren’t satisfied at all. The moment ends as soon as the orgasm does and you are back to feeling used, and unloved.

But the call of God, keeps you right where he wants you to be, and it that means to keep you low and humble from the tears and sorrow of not having a successful relationship then he will do what he must do in order to get you to your destiny. That’s where the loneliness comes into play and the new level of teaching and breaking of you through Christ. Every person that was a lover but not your mate through Christ is another season of breaking down, healing and rebuilding. Through forgiveness and grace that Christ gave us, relieves the punishment of damnation. But you must press forward and learn from what you have gone through.  YES SO EASIER SAID THEN DONE!

I, Duchy, am learning to wait, and be patience while yet seeking for his strength for every day and every minute to make it through. It’s a lonely walk, the price of the call, but I rather suffer for him and reign in heaven, then find pleasure of the world, and spend eternity in hell. It’s not worth it. Anything Lost for the Call, can’t compare to the Blessing God have in store. So do what you have to do… scream, cry, holler out or even travail to the Lord, as loud as you can until you feel just a touch of relief to make it through the day, because the Loves that have been lost are now in the past.  The wilderness has a purpose, just have to wait and seek him to find it.

* Duchy*

Soul Ties

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Unseen, I see what resembles a chain around thee.
Ropes and chains that rearrange and become connected by the passion , love of one’s remains.

A tie that has knots of love, sex, passion, oh ….that comes so erected
Keeping the arms of life unmovable, under a radar , unknown, not to be detected.

Trapped in a maze of confusion and deception, your heart yearns for his love and affection.

Understanding why you can’t get this person out your mind becomes an illusion,

Your body’s temp rises when you think of him giving you some sort of conclusion.

Its ended. Truly with a sincere heart, lies of deception within yourself,
Keeps you in a fake world of make believe art.

Your body shifts in a phase of shudders and pain, not a illness, but the withdraw like a drug that you are addicted to through your veins.

Oval shape formations of water, releases from your eyes
and you wonder,
being with him …was it such a true compromise?
But with this knowledge, acceptance still doesn’t bring the relief, cause you still don’t want to eat or drink.

Complex thought now run through your mind,
as it tries to correct the unbalance in this equation,
between logic and emotion,
the answer still you need to find.

You can only see
the ties that became one
when he had sex with thee.

Ahh! Now the revelation has come so clear.
The image of you and him that now keeps you and fear
Of what is, it is what it is…

Release is a must, to move free from the venom that he deposited, so many times, that has left you crying to the point that you have bags under your eyes.

God himself only knows the antidote for a soul tie, that brings healing
Of the sores and bruises,
of places you didn’t know could hurt,
from the top of your head to the soul of your feet,
Oh please God I need relief.

A word is spoken, woman thou are loosed!
Walk and know that I am your man,
He can’t do for you what I can!

When you see that man, that had you in a tie…
You can look in his eyes and know…Praise God I am free inside.

The thought of his touch and caress doesn’t make that place between your legs flutter,
It’s now only a memory on your list of life’s clutter.

Now that you have been set free, the soul tie has died.
You can focus on you, her, the heart
As God has given through this poem a testimony of why.

Stay Free.

L.C.W.
June 4, 2009