……So it’s pouring down raining this morning, and the thunder is lighting so loud that my heart just once jumped up with a shutter of fear and surprise. I roll over and wonder, why today Lord? When I don’t have to be at work, I just wanted to be able to sleep in for once…with no interrupts or distractions. Well, not happening today I guess. My alarm clock, that which is set for my regular work days alarmed and I knew then that I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep at this point, so I decided to write.
A scripture came to my mind last night before I went to bed, the one that refers to as a dog going back to its vomit…how nasty the thought of that is….to literally throw up some food that you ate, for whatever reason did not settle in your stomach, now forced out of your body because it’s no longer something good for you and has to get out! After all that your body does to get that “bad” something out, to go back to it…..and eat it all over again? YUCK! Now that is just horribly nasty! We all know what vomit smells and looks like, such a repulsing smell and sight. One that when people see it or smell it they are moved to become ill just from being around it themselves.
This amazes me, for the one simple fact that this is something I had been doing myself….like really! How in the world do I continue to mess with situations that God has said no to many times, I have been hurt, disappointed, and frustrated only because of my true disobedience. Soon to be officially 26 in a few days, I have come to realize that a lot of my heartache and pain is all because of me continuing to go back to things that God has released me from once. No blessings or favor is going to suddenly appear! The illusion is that if I just cry enough, God will change it, If I pray enough, he will change his mind. NOPE! Not happening.
“JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT SOMEONE, DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN HAVE THEM!”
This can go both ways cause I have been on both ends. Someone wants me but I just don’t want them, nor do we match what so ever. Then, I have wanted someone and they just don’t want me…which I have no clue why? I mean, I am beautiful, talented, educated, got good common sense, Loves the Lord, etc…. Hey,just a little self encouragement here!! lol Truth is, It is what it is, and you have to let go and move on either way.
Here recently, not only does the image of me eating my vomit make me sick to my stomach, but when I think of certain people there is a nasty taste in my mouth…distain. When someone leaves a bad taste in your mouth, like when you ate a piece of candy that was a horrible flavor that you swear never to want to experience again….lol…that is what that person is too you now. When they text you, your simply like…” Ugh! Smacking of your lips….UGH! Not really wanting to talk to you…” It could just be that, a conversation went horrible, or your experiences with that person was not the best, if not horrible, and all you can think about is, ” Yea, wish that had went differently” or ” Not, really feeling them after that….” It happens to us all, and sometimes we don’t realize that we have left a bad taste in someones mouth, or they look at you as the past, to try to continue on with it is like going back to their old vomit, which then repulses them.
So, I guess in a nutshell, My Lord knows how to get me where he wants me….and if it means that the next time Billy and Bob calls and text….I don’t want to have nothing to do with them because I know that it wasn’t about the right in the beginning, middle was a hot mess, and the ending was better so lets just leave it that way. No need to get mad Bob or billy when I don’t want to talk to you or continue to play the same games with you….I’m done eating something that God has been trying to purge from me.
And then its the dreadful situation of that one that never really asks you out, and your kinda like…”Okay, so mmm? How are we suppose to be building a friendship if you never ask me out??”….. and those that stare for hours but NEVER say anything….whew that’s really annoying I tell ya! Just say “Hi, How are you?” doesn’t have to be a cheesy line or something……and the lovely ones, that supposedly like you so much, talked to you maybe for a split second, and next thing you know the person is ignoring you, and has moved on to someone else for whatever reason that is unknown to you cause they don’t even converse on a friendship bases anymore. ” Dang, did my breath stink the last time we talked or something?” LOL! …….So u end up just putting them kinda in the back of your mind, since you’re not going to be chasing them to spend time with you. Its like trying to put together a puzzle, all the pieces have to fit, otherwise it never comes together right, and that’s the key part I am learning…whether I love this or we click so well on that, it has to all come together and both have to be moving gracefully at the same pace.
I am proud of myself though…I see growth and change in the mirror. An immature little girl has now faded, giving and falling for everything that resembled love….and here stands an encouraged, learned, and processed woman of God, ready to stand for whats right and good in her life.
Singleness is a process….Lord, Jesus Christ, I thank you as I humbly submit myself too you in a new way and shape. Yes its hard, but I know I will reap the benefits of the test if I faint not….I pray for those that are in the place where I am. Desiring marriage, children, a home…but doesn’t want to settle for anything less than what you have for them. Keep them encouraged and let them know that with every time their heart cries out because it seems so unfair, and that something just must not be right about them if they haven’t yet been offered something real as others…. let them know, that it’s not over, blessing are still on the way…and to stand strong…God I thank you.
In Jesus Name I pray this prayer amen.
Now back to finding things that make me happy and enjoy life as I know how….yet while I am single. Birthday party, school, traveling! Lets go!