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Split Personalities. ” Who Am I Inside?”

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I am in a place today, that I have never been before. Not in this way anyway…. I had a friend tell me something that cut so deep that I didn’t know it could feel that way. I have always believed that I was a good friend too people. Try to have an open ear, and that they could always come to me and talk about anything. I prayed that I would have the words to say, if my opinion or advice was requested. I believe I am a good person, great personality, beautiful, talented, and saved by Gods grace. One thing I didn’t anticipate was facing another side of me.  That side of me that I know is there, it comes out all the time, but I don’t want to admit it when it does.

Emotions. That one part of being a human that can be so complex and frustrating. We can feel one way now and then another way the next. For some, they aren’t really bothered by much and everything seems to just roll off their backs. They give a good shoulder “shrug” and its done.  And then there are some like me… where my emotions have become more than just a characteristic of being a human, to where it has become another part of my identity.  Its surreal when I look on the past… things I have said and done, completely out of emotions. My experience with men has brought this to the surface many times. And I have heard them, thought I did take it in and address it within myself to make the necessary changes, but some how… that other side still seems to come out.. when I least expect it.

This last appearance, I have not been in the presence of the Lord as I should, but even when I was the closest to him, I would still have moments where now I can admit I am over dramatic… I have pushed and drilled to try to get my way or someone to just agree with me, that I was right.  In those moments, I can say I didn’t see how detrimental I am being and how it affects my closest family and friends. I was told by a male companion, that although we were two different people, which attracted us to one another and not seeing eye to eye about things brought texture too us, one thing he could not deal with is a woman who is overly dramatic and emotional about any and everything.

I knew I was… I just couldn’t even recognize that I was doing it so much to the point that it was or would push someone away. I have always used the excuse of, ” this is who I am. Love me or leave me.”  And I believe that people should accept you for who you are, not try to change you and you shouldn’t try to change them. Reality is, we do pick whom or what we are willing to deal with. If we say that person drinks too much for me, then you make the decision not to be around them for that reason, not saying you don’t think that person is coo, just they aren’t someone you would want to be around all the time, or make a life with if it’s the opposite sex.  Some changes you do need to make…if you really want to have a successful fulfilling life.

I felt like a mirror was placed in my face and I had to face that dark side that I have really ignored. I know I have dealt with it in the past, and knew that I was doing better with not letting things get me so worked up to the point of anxiety attacks…just learning to breathe and let things go. From a history of abuse in my past, I use to hold so many things in… and all I knew to do was cry. I couldn’t tell what was happening to me because of the fear….so I would just keep it in and cry. Well, as an adult learning that balance was, had been hard for me. Now I can speak my mind, and shouldn’t have to be afraid any more of getting smacked in the mouth by my mother, or told I am just a child and need to know my place. I can say what I want when I want because I am grown. Right?

Right. Problem is, if someone wasn’t responding in the way I want them too, then I just wouldn’t react to well too that. I haven’t known how to let things go… its okay… if you have spoken your opinion and that’s it.  I have the choice just like everyone else whether or not to continue to deal with a situation.

I never want a person to feel like they can’t be open and honest with me because they feel like they are going to get a whip of my rage and fury. LOL…. not good. And I dare not want to lose out on a great man one day, because I can’t control my emotions, in the end… pushing him away. Now, I will say, I won’t feel like I have a muzzle on my mouth either…I just need to learn when, where, and what is the best what to express what I feel, then without always going over the top. My love for the theater is when this really comes into play… guess I need to get on that darn stage more again. 🙂

I did ask my sister, how did she feel about this, and again… I heard exactly what I didn’t want to hear….which then meant I was in a pool of tears once again. It’s hard to face the truth about your self… and realizing your rationalization for it, can no longer carry you along in life. As I went through my life, deciding to better myself with going back to school for a degree in what I love too do…starting my business that cosines with that, hitting the truth and losing 60 pounds with a better lifestyle…. I  have another area that I must strive to do better at… my heart.

I was told I take everything to heart. I do. I have. Some things you should… and now I truly understand, some things you shouldn’t. Me stressing over something that isn’t worth it… means I am bringing illness to my body and relationships. I must protect my heart… there are the issues of life… flowing.  If I guard it… I won’t be so moved and shaken when life happens or things don’t work out as I want them too.  Not only guard it, but give it back to the Lord…know where my help and strength comes from. Allow him to place it back in his secret place. I don’t want to become cold, just have a bit thicker skin.

This fella, may or may not be the one for me, but I can say,  there was a purpose for him and I meeting… and this is most definitely one of them. He’s has taught me a lot in the short time of dating… crazy thing is…other males in the pass I know have tried to address it, unfortunately at that place in time in my life I wasn’t able to hear or receive it. Their opinion was clouded by too much other stuff in our relationships.  Not having a my father there as a child to really teach me, show me love and attention meant that I have had a great lacking… seeking for that love and approval. Wanting that attention, having things my way, and if I didn’t get it I would fight, be dramatic to get my way. If none of that worked, I would cry. I just knew no man could resist a woman crying. I did things that a little girl does with her father, and because mines was not there, I looked to these men in my life to fill that void. I don’t even do this with my father and we have a great relationship currently… smh! Wow… amazing how things can truly come out in your adult hood due to events in your past.  Well,  this time. It didn’t work. And he was a man who wasn’t moved by all of that, yes it affected him, but in a way that he was not willing to deal with no matter what great of a woman he thought I was over all. He was brutally honest,  the truth was clear.

I am okay with accepting my flaws and know myself… and adjust my life accordingly. My past has affected who I am today, I can only make sure that it becomes in a positive way.   Accepting, there are some things I just can’t do, cause I know if I do… I will be an emotional roller coaster. And as I keep myself away from those things, I can work on just the daily moments, seeking God for healing and filling that void….one step at a time. Learn yourself, and know who you are…… the real you no matter what did the molding.

I pray for contentment, patience, and understanding. And when I get discouraged… just know that my life is not in vain and I shall reap a great harvest if I faint not.

Duchy!