Recently, I saw the movie “For Colored Girls” by Tyler Perry. What a powerful and life changing movie that was. I never thought that it would have such a profound movement onto me when I went to go see it last weekend.
My heart adored the use of lyrics to describe the feeling of the characters and how it played out to reveal more then just the simple inner surface. To allow you too look deeper and find the true core of the problem or situation. I felt so many of the words related too me. Pinched my cheek as a cold winter wind. My heart throttled when I realized those girls was me, I was them.
The reality of the familiarity of situations astounded me… Word spoken were literally the same as they were for me…. “He was a friend….” And ” He almost got away with my stuff!” You always think that your the first to experience something… But know really you are the many of people to experience ‘that’ something.
As perplexed as it is, the heart will always reverence the truth, as did mines when I faced the truth of rape and misconception of love. How I too thought he was a friend, someone I trusted, never gave in…. Till that one day I allow my guards to go down for a second, to trust something that seemed okay, only to find that it was the worst decision I could have ever made.
When I left from seeing “For Colored Girls” I realized that something had been awaken inside of me… I suddenly felt fear, confusion, pain, and hate. As I hit my car, in the cold fall breeze, tears begin to fall as I cried uncontrollably to the realization that I am a Colored girl…. That I was sexually abused and raped as a child, that I have had men only see me and want me for sexual desire… That I always seem to trust the wrong man for all the right reasons! Hell, I trusted…I waited and still get the short end of that relationship stick.
By the time I made it home that night, I couldn’t think right nor get my thoughts right… I heard words of hatred flowing around as the air we can’t see within the sky…. I heard thoughts of suicide taunting me…offering lasting satisfaction and release… I heard words of despair, questions of why did he, they treat me this way, I am crazy…they…the doctors said I would be one day… Let’s make it happen…
I couldn’t sleep well and when I awoke my thoughts and tears where more jumbled then before, I couldn’t get dressed to go to church, I could even figure out what to wear…. My mind was gone and I was lost in a world of insanity. All I knew was I needed prayer and help because I never really addressed the raped that had occurred just maybe a year ago. But it wasn’t just that, it was all the incidents as a child that came out to play as a old movie on a projector screen over and over again….I heard myself saying… You didn’t fight hard enough, you didn’t scream loud enough… Why didn’t you stop him from doing what he did…your a coward, a punk! U should have hurt them, maybe even killed them all for hurting you this way and everyone looking at you like its okay….
Benadryl was my relief as I went into a anxiety attack… It put me to sleep for about 5 hours and that was fine with me because all I wanted to do was…rest. I didn’t care at that moment for how long, or if I woke up… I just wanted to rest… As I give God praise, I was allowed to awaken… And my mind was clear…. I knew my family had been praying and that I was going to be alright. I have come to accept that your not crazy if u need a counselor to talk to about tragedies in your life, its healing and healthy…otherwise events like this, break downs of the mind from stress will occur and cause damage that can’t be reversed.
Today, I write clearly and peacefully… Knowing that my savior yet still reigns… However we can’t be ignorant to the condition of ones mind, its a organ of the body we forget to take care of through out life. The word states… “He will never put more on you then you can bare.” So true, as long as u make sure you handle everything properly that he does place on you to bare. This is my cross, this is my Colored girl song…what’s yours?
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