Slient Cries of the Lost Loves

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Duchy’s Journal Entry

You never know who or what God has in store for you until you live your life. It’s surprising how things evolve and develop right before your eyes.  Lost Loves are those that you have grown to love in your life at some point and now they are not there. To understand that people change as you do some relationships will not remain the same.  The pain and the brokenness that comes from it truly are unreal to the natural mind, how God’s hand turns the wheel as it spins your life into a story.

Loves Lost through death seems to be the worst only because there is not a chance to go back and redo anything with that person ever again. Harsh words or cruel deed can’t be sought after for forgiveness. You must live with knowing what was done, is done and you can’t try to make it better.  If your love lost was of a family member, a companion, a lover, or a friend or me a pastor.  You always look back and look over the relationship and wonder could it have been better? Did you do everything you were supposing to? My Pastor died unexpectedly. He had been my Sheppard for 5 years and was there through a lot of the loves lost. I felt as though I didn’t get to tell him how much he really meant to me and how much I loved him so. Although, I was preparing to leave the ministry a week before his death, I didn’t get that chance to sit and talk with him directly about my decision. I so regretted not waiting, until a better time, or at least when I could speak to him face to face.  So much to say, and no more time remained to say it. He came to me in a dream right after his funeral, and let me know that it was all going to be alright. Then and only then did I have peace and I knew that he was fully aware of my hearts concerns. Through death all questions can and possibly will forever go unanswered.  

Lost Loves through conflict that wasn’t able to be resolved, or maybe that was the actual resolution too it.  This is and can be as hurtful as losing them through death, but the initial feeling of mourning doesn’t hit until you are over the anger and the hurt of the original conflict.  Majority of the time, years after the conflict one may look back and realize that it wasn’t worth all of the pain and energy that went into that situation.  It was pointless to let your emotions to go so extreme when the heart already knew what the end result would be for them. Both parties have such a responsibility in this that it usually takes both to really want to fix the damage that has been done.  However, there are those factors that come to play of secret issues within ones heart that no one knew, and only through the heat of the fire, do those come out to play. Now you have a pot full of steam, and it boils over to the point of no return.  As we are human, we play to our first emotions and say what we feel, even if it’s not the truth, or sometimes you do just the opposite, you speak the truth. The initial love that was there holding the relationship, is no more the bonding glue as you thought. Those secret issues made that glue weaken and no longer contain the stickiness! LOL this in my opinion plays more towards friendships.  You learn that if one feels something can destroy your relationship of years of friendships, and then it wasn’t really about either party, it was all about what God means for you to continue within the next season of your life. The love is still there, but the relationship is now a memory to cherish. Jesus himself experienced his best friend betraying him, but yet he still loved him. We must do the same.

Lost Loves of Companions, Lovers, and Soul Ties of those that you never have even kissed; this one is always the most interesting too me because you can really only touch on your own life’s experiences. Everyone can be a Dr. Phil and break down what you should or shouldn’t do, but reality is that everyone’s perception of what is morally and ethically wrong it their own opinion. Can’t be proven with facts, maybe statistics but that’s about it.  After being engaged twice and my heart “IN” love 5 times and loved a few, I have learned that there are no rules to the game. You can’t set how it should be or what should happen to make it just right or perfect, because you aren’t the only one playing the game. There are the other people who have influences on the decisions of the relationship. Some may say it should, but at the end of the day, they do. We listen to our family, friends, co-workers, and our children. You make decision based off of what people think or will see, and we try to make sure that we don’t which just still defeats the whole purpose. I learned that my life is mine, and that I am grown, but my decisions affects my family and close friends just as much as it affects me, no matter how much I try to keep it” MY LIFE.” LOL.  If that is the case then I need to live on a planet just by myself so it doesn’t affect anyone else.  Let’s be real, not happening. 

When a relationship with a boyfriend that ended in a bad state, or just someone who you were sleeping with you may say it meant nothing too you and wasn’t affected one way or the other. You were and are affected and that person will forever be imprinted onto your life. Apart of you and a part of them will forever be entwined as our memories can’t be removed or erased. To lose a man who said he loved you to another woman, to a career, to his children, etc. can and will affect you in many aspects of your life. To love someone who doesn’t love you. To love a woman who only loves what u has in your bank account. So many examples, but when you continue to lose loves that God said is not the one for you, hurts, esp. when you see your friends and family with children and companionship. U want to take matters in your hands and find that person to make you happy, but all you’re doing is pushing back further what GOD has for you when you do that. It hurts to have someone say they love you and they think of nothing but themselves. It breaks you when you just knew this person was the one, when in reality you have settled so low, that you don’t even remember who you are anymore. It seems as painful as death to love and give your body to someone who only means to use your body for the sexual fulfillment of the flesh, the moment of the touch that we as human yearn for, leaves you just as lonely as before, and in reality you aren’t satisfied at all. The moment ends as soon as the orgasm does and you are back to feeling used, and unloved.

But the call of God, keeps you right where he wants you to be, and it that means to keep you low and humble from the tears and sorrow of not having a successful relationship then he will do what he must do in order to get you to your destiny. That’s where the loneliness comes into play and the new level of teaching and breaking of you through Christ. Every person that was a lover but not your mate through Christ is another season of breaking down, healing and rebuilding. Through forgiveness and grace that Christ gave us, relieves the punishment of damnation. But you must press forward and learn from what you have gone through.  YES SO EASIER SAID THEN DONE!

I, Duchy, am learning to wait, and be patience while yet seeking for his strength for every day and every minute to make it through. It’s a lonely walk, the price of the call, but I rather suffer for him and reign in heaven, then find pleasure of the world, and spend eternity in hell. It’s not worth it. Anything Lost for the Call, can’t compare to the Blessing God have in store. So do what you have to do… scream, cry, holler out or even travail to the Lord, as loud as you can until you feel just a touch of relief to make it through the day, because the Loves that have been lost are now in the past.  The wilderness has a purpose, just have to wait and seek him to find it.

* Duchy*

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